The past couple months have been pretty crazy. January was busy getting packed and moving at the end of the month. In the middle of February I got a call at 6:15 in the morning from my mom saying that my grandpa died and I needed to come home. A couple weeks later during spring break I'm at a friend's house watching the finale of the Bachelorette when my mom calls again wanting to know what was wrong with my dad because my sister just posted on Facebook that he was being rushed to the hospital via ambulance. This was about a month after he had a bad accident because he passed out while driving and hit another car head on. I finally got a hold of my stepmom and it turned out that he had a bad asthma attack and was unresponsive to the EMTs for about 15 minutes. He was in the hospital for a few days intubated under heavy sedation.
Lately I feel like I'm just waiting for the next thing to happen. I've been having a lot of trouble with anxiety. I haven't felt this way since college. I keep having these weird dreams at night where I'm really anxious, but when I wake up I don't know what the dream is about. I just feel like I have this crushing feeling in my chest and my shoulders are super tense. Some days I have to hold back everything to keep from crying. Cause when I cry, I can't even tell you why I'm crying. I don't know if it's because of missing Grandpa, or just general anxiety. I just hate this feeling. Chris thinks I should go to the doctor. I worked so hard to get off of my anxiety meds that I really don't want to go back there again. I just want to get through this. I've turned down two chances to go out of town. I could have gone to Table Rock this weekend. Next weekend is the annual parent advisor meeting in Fulton. I thought about going to both, but I just needed some time at home for a weekend. I've had something going on almost every other weekend the past 2 months and I've just needed to relax. But then when I'm home the anxious feeling is stronger.
I keep thinking about the strange coincidences around Grandpa's death:
1) My grandma passed away on Ash Wednesday in 2005. It was the morning after Ash Wednesday when the nurse checked in on Grandpa and found him.
2) I couldn't sleep the night that he died. I woke up at 4:00 am thinking that I should be up and something was wrong. It turns out that the nurse found him around that time.
3) We had just moved him to the nursing home on Wednesday.
4) A couple months ago my mom came to see him and when she tried to get him to go to lunch, he told her, "I can't. Mom's (as in my grandma) been sitting in that chair all day and she's driving me nuts!"
5) My brother prayed at church that Wednesday night that Grandma would come and take care of Grandpa.
Power of prayer? I think so. I tried to go to church a couple weeks ago but I kept crying because they did the same responsorial psalm that they did at the funeral.
This time of year at work is always crazy too because we start talking about next year. I can't go into specifics of course, but there are a lot of things up in the air. I picked up 2 new kids on my caseload, so I'm going to the elementary school every day. It's a lot of extra miles on my car, but I really like working with the younger kids. Generally my patience lasts longer the younger a kid is. Kind of funny how that works.
Sorry for the long rant. I think I'm done now.
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